situationships aren't relationships

Up until my late twenties, I was non-committal. I’d stay at a job less than a year, be in a romantic relationship less than 10 months and constantly be trying new things while giving up and moving on easily from them within weeks of starting them. Part of this was due to my unhealed trauma, part was due to my personality but a major part was due to my immaturity.

While there is a period of exploration that’s natural and necessary, it can’t be a permanent state. You don’t want to stay stagnant then become a victim.

There’s this new phenomena in dating called a “situationship”. A situationship is a romantic relationship that's not clearly defined or labeled. It can involve affection, sexual activity, and spending time together, but with little commitment.

I have several therapy clients in this confusing, ambiguous state. They come to me wanting guidance and insight into how to navigate this process.

As a more moderate, conservative leaning person, I did not follow this way of dating so I took some time to think about how I could be helpful to those who find themselves in this situation and share it here.

the big picture

Situationships are a way of dating that stems from a bigger ideological perspective. When we think about labels, the words definition, categories and description come to mind. Labels can be helpful and hurtful. Unfortunately, we live in a society that now thinks that all labels are seen as constraints on expression and understanding of identity. This has caused a mass watering down of everything we know and trust to be true. Ironically, we only know these historic concepts and words because of their labels. Would you buy food without knowing if it’s organic (sustainable label) or has allergies (sensitive label), with no ingredients (nutrient label)?

This dismissal of labels has spilled into dating. For thousands of years, we used three words to describe a relationship: dating/courtship, engagement and marriage. These three words are labels with definitions and categories in and of themselves. They help us understand the level of commitment one has to another. One can only be unfaithful and infidelitous if there is an agreed upon relationship status to violate. You would never talk about introducing someone to your mom after the first date because the status of your relationship would make that inappropriate and weird.

In the 1970s during the sexual revolution, the term “partner” started being used for relationship dynamics that fell outside of the three common relationship stages. You can learn how that’s work out by reading this book. I don’t like the word partner but I’ll save that for another post.

Fast forward to around 10 years ago and millenials started using it to define their relational dynamic of a boyfriend and girlfriend cohabitating. While using this term seemed helpful at first, it innately and immediately brought immense confusion.

Without labels and categories, it’s hard to know the rules of engagement and how to interpret one’s actions within the ambiguous relationship status. If you don’t know what game you’re playing, how can you possibly know how to play the game? This has become even more watered down to the point where people are “kind of dating but not really” or calling themselves “life partners”, AKA situationships.

It’s so damn confusing that people who are in these situations find themselves more lost and unknown by the person they’re dating more than they feel found and known. You would think it’s masochistic.

But hey, maybe I’m just another straight white dude trying to oversimplify things and dismiss the needed complexity of it all. So, let me explain on a psychological and philosophical level about why this isn’t ideal or functional.

Categories and/or end goals determine the whole process of how to do something. For example, if you are a firefighter and your job is to put out a fire, there is a certain way to do that and you know if you’re doing your job or not based on if you are able to accomplish the goal. Which in this case, is putting out the fire. Relationships are like jobs in a way. They require an agreed upon investment that brings mutual reciprocity with roles and responsibilities that explain how things are going to get done.

If you don’t have a clear definition of your role or necessary responsibilities to do your job, how can you do your job correctly and more so, what motivation or security do you have in fulfilling the job?

As Brene Brown says, “clear is kind”. The more detailed and comprehensive you are in doing something, the more you care about said thing or person related to the activity. If you don’t care that much then the effort will be minimal, generic and ineffective. Having “ultimate freedom” to choose with no constraints sounds like freedom but is actually bondage.

We need boundaries, limits and constraints as humans to protect the vulnerability of what we care about. This is the problem of a situationship. A confusing category creates a confusing process.

It’s an absolutely terrifying concept to vulnerably trust and predict that one person is right for you and worth spending the rest of your life with. You need to take the necessary time to properly assess and be confident in the choice. Nonetheless, the choice must still come. If you know yourself and the type of person that is best suited for you (assuming anyone you end up with has problems and pains you’ll have to live with) then you will be able to clearly and effectively move from dating to engagement to marriage. Please note I did not say easily. This is one of the most challenging decisions of your life that will require all of your being and capacity.

It’s also the most worthwhile thing if you do. Meeting and charting the path to marrying someone can (and is meant to) completely change your life for the better. This is why when someone unpredictably changes for the worse or the couple mixes like oil and water, it’s a mess that can ruin the lives of those involved.

To stay in a situationship is to choose laziness, fear and insecurity. It’s not helping anyone involved and it’s certainly hurting. It would be like getting hired for a job then telling your boss you only want to do specific tasks that you feel feel like doing and never feeling obligated to do more than that, yet demanding to be paid the whole time you’re employed Oh yea, and assuming that you’ll be employed as long as you want, no matter what you do in the job.

Wanting the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities of one is selfish and unsafe for you and the other person involved. Boundaries help us feel safe because we can securely predict outcomes. We can know what’s in and what’s out. What we can do and what we can’t do. Without this, we are aimlessly wandering around, not knowing who to trust, where to go and what to do. We protect, define and tend to that which we love most.

reasons why you’re in this state

• you’re scared of rejection, being abandoned or being “stuck” with someone

• you’ve had a negative experience of witnessing a divorce, break up or someone suddenly leaving that’s soured your view of relationships

• you aren’t self-aware enough nor aware of what you’re looking for in spouse. You live for the statement, “ignorance is bliss”

• everyone around is going about dating the same way so you don’t want to go against the norm or feel isolated in going about it differently

• you’re lazy and entitled to think you deserve the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities of one

what people try but doesn’t work

There’s a recent trend of those in these situationships or dating relationships that see buying a house, moving in together, and calling each other partners as signs of commitment to each other. Let me clear this up.

All of these are symptoms of the state of relationship not a state of relationship in and of themselves. Our society says if you take these more seriously committed steps, then that means you are committed to the relationship. But it’s actually the inverse. The more you are serious about the relationship and take those steps to enter in to those serious stages (engagement, marriage) then one of the above steps makes more sense and is appropriate.

The actions are done out of being at this stage not instead of being at this stage. Example: you have a kid because you’re married, you buy a house because you’re engaged.

If you don’t have the evidence of security given in a seriously committed relationship then you’ll have to create your own evidence that’s less secure.

Again, you have to start with the end goal or final stage and reverse engineer it to see what you need to do in order to get there. Picking and choosing byproducts of a more serious stage while being in a less serious stage is delusional and entitled.

I know this can all sound a bit harsh and direct but I say it out of a place of naming the real life consequences for living this way. I say this out of a place of previously being in this this type of relational dynamic and thinking it was best.

So, I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seats wondering what life-changing advice and guidance I give to those who ask me how to navigate this phenomena.

what to do

There is a understandable “grey area” that each couple must go through where they are starting to get signs of wanting to commit but are unsure if they can trust the person and a future with that person.

There are many factors here. Maybe one person has some serious trauma they need time to work through and you’re wondering how long to wait vs. set a date to make a decision of moving on. Maybe you’re long distance dating and need more time together to get a sense of how the other person lives day to day. Maybe one of both of you had shitty examples of marriage and committed love so you don’t see how what you’re involved in could go well. Maybe all your friends are casually living with their boyfriend or girlfriend with no plans of marriage and you feel isolated and awkward doing things differently.

Whatever it is, be honest with yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. No one can tell you what’s best but you owe it to yourself and your romantic life to be honest with yourself.

It’s a scarily simple concept made up of one of three options.

1. You have a deep, true sense this person is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you discuss engagement, get engaged and plan a wedding.

2. You know deep down, that though it’s painful, scary and undesired, this person is not best for you. They don’t bring out the best in you and you’re afraid of change. In which case, you need to thoughtful but directly end that relationship, do some soul searching and go back on the hunt to find your future spouse.

3. You are in still in the “I don’t know” phase and need more time and attention to decide how to move forward. In which case, you need a way of assessing the relationship, hyper focus on assessing it and make a serious commitment to finding the truth in a reasonable time. No, dragging your feet for 3-4 years with no signs of commitment on either side is not appropriate.

The parent test

If you were to introduce someone to your parents, how would you describe who they are to you and what would your parents think? How do you predict they feel about knowing their child (who they hopefully and expectedly fully committed to raising well) is with someone but not with someone?

It’s not that this tells you what to do, but it’s a trust reference in how to assess the status of your relationship. They’re not going to break it up or make an awkward comment but let’s be real, does it sound that stable and healthy to describe the situationship to them? Just imagine you are listening to your kid describe it.

final thoughts

Love is messy. It requires patience, kindness and long suffering. Nothing is guaranteed. There will always be a risk in every stage of the relationship. The question is, are you secure enough in yourself and the other person to continue to take greater risks, knowing there’s also greater reward? That’s essentially, what the path to marriage is. A series of progressively more committed relationship stages that require and reflect a level of commitment, love and attention derived from the present stage you’re in. It’s like poker. You go round and round, investing more in the pot and learning not to pass but to match.

Don’t rob yourself of delayed gratification by “having it all” now. Do the hard work of healing and loving. Take dating seriously. Practice holding conviction and making direct and clear decisions. Practice wisdom and discernment. Freedom is saying no to all but one so you can say yes to one that’s all. Taking the time to do things right always feels hard and stretching. Then again, what worthwhile pursuit doesn’t?

It’s ok if you’re not ready to take your relationship to the next level, just stop taking actions that say you are without actually doing it.

Questions

• What confusion needs clarity in your life?

• What messages and beliefs have led you into or out of a situationship?

• How can you more honestly and accurately assess what you need and who may fulfill that need?

Quotes

“You don't know what your abilities are until you make a full commitment to developing them.” - Carol S. Dweck

“Commitment turns a promise into reality with words that speak boldly of your intentions and actions that speak louder than words.” - Steve Brunkhorst