Peter Pan: the victim and the hyper hero

Trauma either makes you a victim or a hyper hero. Who do we become when we are traumatized and how does the movie, Peter Pan, give us the answer? The movie shows us what each of these roles looks like and what it may mean for healing from the trauma.

We all start our lives living in Neverland, an unadulterated imaginative place where we can be children forever. At some point, unfortunately, earlier in life for some, we are infiltrated by a traumatic event. “Trauma is not what happens to you, but inside you.” - Gabor Mate. In his work on trauma, he gives the example that getting in an accident isn’t the traumatic part, it’s the injury that’s caused afterwards that’s the trauma.

We are so shocked by the oppositional difference in reality that we don’t know what to do, so we deny and suppress (push down) or we over-dramatize and let out (push out). These are over exaggerated roles that help protect us and make sense of what’s happened to us. We step into these roles almost subconsciously as the first step towards moving forward after the trauma happens. It becomes second nature to be in these roles and much of our identity is found in them to the point where we may not even realize we are living out of these roles.

It's often when we find ourselves in an intimate relationship with a friend or romantic partner that our roles start to show. In my work as a therapist, I find each of these roles are expressed and sometimes the very reason why people are drawn to each other. As the old adage goes, “opposites attract.”

The victim (Peter Pan)

“Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.” - Peter Pan.

In the movie, Peter is surrounded by mermaids, who give him all the attention. He boasts about immature victories and sells self-promoting stories. The mermaids fawn at this and Peter eats it up. His insecurity comes out in needing to inflate what he does.

In another scene, Wendy starts to take care of the lost boys and name their needs. Peter dismisses her efforts and tells her that they don't need any help. He feels undermined and threatened by her guidance and exposing the boys to get out of their helpless rut.

This type becomes small in nature. They become paralyzed in powerlessness and get overwhelmed easily. They often perceive challenges and hard situations are threats and doing hard things as pain. They under-own their lives and actively avoid responsibility. They tend to seek comfort and pleasure, safely padding their souls to make sure they are not hurt again. They tend to over rely on others to look for protection and safety. They underperform and are not driven to change. Whatever they can do to stay where they are, they will. They use vulnerability as a main identity and constantly position themselves as being weak and in need. They try to keep the focus on themselves and what they need.

We all know (even if it's unfortunately ourselves) those people that have Peter Pan syndrome. The socially immature person that acts like a child, may still live with his mom and/or can be seriously questioned for how they got this far in life living off of other’s responsibility.

They are never “ok” and often use language like “I can’t do that” or “that’s too much”. They’ll often get low risk jobs, have trouble entering relationships and staying in them, and are the weight that keeps forward progress from happening. Pleasure and feeling good are top priorities. Impulse control is a major struggle. This type is usually high in empathy and emotional intelligence. Their strength is that they’re well aware of what they feel and why. This type can be further enabled through being babied and coddled. It’s hard to admit they are wrong because being wrong is associated negatively. They are often insecure and always needing outward validation to be enough. It’s always someone, something, somewhere else and blame is often used as reason. They have no sense of self-autonomy or locus of control. They mistake discomfort for threats.

There is a gift in being the victim. This role often is tapped into the childlike self and knows how to imagine. Just like Peter Pan teaches the boys to fly, we all need to be able to see what could be for ourselves. There is a crucial development scene where Pan finds and wrestles with his shadow. This shows the dark side we all project and how we need to face it.

The hyper hero (Wendy)

“You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls.”

In the movie, Wendy has to take care of her two younger brothers. It’s the night before she heads off to boarding school and expresses not wanting to grow up but is immediately rebuked by her father that it's not an option to stay in her childlike state, she must be responsible and grow up. While temporarily tempted to stay in Neverland and be infatuated with Peter Pan, she sticks to her values of duty and responsibility, trying to re-enact the parent model for Pan and the lost boys while also grappling with her own desire to live in their world as a child. Her father's commanding voice almost haunts her into returning home and she holds onto this grown up like spirit throughout the movie.

This type becomes big in nature. They take too much responsibility for themselves and others. They have a sense of burden and ownership for everything and everyone. A thought they may have is, “if no one is going to do it, I guess I will.” They often grow up too fast and bypass the essential stage of being a child. They are successful and go above and beyond as the norm. They have a hard time trusting others to take care of themselves and being vulnerable. They often position themselves as being strong and not needing anyone else. They continually divert the focus away from themselves and onto others. They’re “fine” and often tell themselves “I’ll be ok, just keep going”. They have a fear of being selfish or for asking too much.

This type is mature in many ways that society values and is often defined by what they've had to do, currently do both for themselves and others. They have a strength in being self-disciplined and having self-control. They leave little room for mistakes or immaturity. They not only see challenges as opportunities but necessities. They strongly identify with being self-sufficient and getting things done. It’s always about moving forward. They often over work and see ambition as a normal way of living. They can rationalize and compartmentalize things easily. There’s no time to let things stay where they are and acceptance of the current state is often seen as unacceptable. Even if they know they’re overwhelmed and on the verge of breaking, they won’t share that with others easily and will incur deep suffering at the cost of self-care.

There is a pivotal scene where Wendy trusts Peter to teach her to fly and she lets her guard down by just going for it. This courageous act sets this role free. By trusting what could be, you let go of the idolization of what has been and what is.

My story of both

I was a victim into my mid twenties then became a hyper hero. After my dad passed away when I was eleven years old, I was traumatized with abandonment and loneliness. I caved in and through the valiant efforts of my mother trying to safeguard me from further pain, I became threatened by discomfort and challenge. I sought pleasure at all costs and avoided being alone. After years of just making it by through the next adventure, I finally started having moments of facing the truth. It was painful and I couldn't stay in that space of responsibility for long. I'd tap out and go right back to my indulgent ways. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life in the summer of 2020 and in the depression, despair and loneliness, I decided it was time to face the music. I heard the sound of responsibility, discipline, strength and perseverance and I finally answered. I got into therapy, started doing physically challenging endurance races, I got engaged and kept a full time corporate job for the first time in my life and I got into grad school. Thus, Wes 2.0 was born. A switch flipped in me and I suddenly was all systems go. There was still much to work through but I decided to take on a lot and all at once. Now I find myself in the opposite predicament I was in 20 years ago. My hyper hero tries to make up for lost time and lost effort. It's hard for me to trust others will come through, to rest, to not feel pressured to be defined by what I do. I am over organized and extremely self critical. I'm learning to hold these two roles in tension and honor how they've each served me over the years.

Conclusion

Ken Wilbur says "We must transcend and include". In essence, we have to integrate our experiences, accept who we've been and are in our primary role then look to the opposite role to teach us how to be more whole. If we never grow up, we will always feel comforted but never responsible, padded to our pleasure but resistant to responsibility. At the same time, if all we are is responsible and overlooked, we can miss the need to be childlike. Victims always need something to be wrong and hero’s always need everything to be right. Hyper hero struggles with expressing and victim has trouble being defensive. The hyper hero asks, "Am I worth being taken care of?" and the victim asks, "Am I worth caring for?"

Peter and Wendy give this harmonious Ying and yang dynamic. We are both learning to grow up and also become childlike again.

If Peter and Wendy went through this whole process together, my guess would be that they'd still live in their own worlds, but see those worlds differently, earlier on in their lives. It's no guarantee but I imagine Pan would step up and lead the lost boys as a patriarchal guide. Not childishly toying with Captain Hook but fighting evil and showing the males in Neverland how to become men in a serious but playful manner. Peter would do well to go to therapy, find challenging rituals (commonly physical ones) to push himself, take on more responsibility in relationships and set life goals for himself. His temptation to make life about him should be faced daily while also not shaming himself for being where he's at and tapping into his strengths as an imaginative, playful person.

It's important for this victim role to have "full stop commitments" where they find the wherewithal within themselves to say enough is enough. To find some sort of responsibility, but to not try and double down on resistance. Though it may feel like death and ultimate surrender, the reality is it's probably not as bad as you perceive. Trust and obey. A great practice is to entrust a person in your life with small tasks that you would usually do. It's important not to nag or micro manage. Nagging is a judgmental immediate demand that feels more forceful than trusting and patient.

I imagine Wendy would respect her father's demand of growing up, but be gentler and kinder to herself in the process. She'd set boundaries and only take on what is truly meant for her instead of assimilate to the over demands of her parent. She'd be a big sister to her younger siblings but show them how to imagine, dream, to enjoy life and take it easy. Wendy would do well in a support group, develop self-care practices that give love to herself, plan more weekly, monthly and yearly rest times such as retreats, Sabbaths, vacations and saying no to always doing something productive. Her temptation to always be doing something for someone else and impatiently neglecting herself should be faced daily while also not dismissing her gift of responsibility and care for her self and those around her. In an act of trust, she'd grow from not controlling situations and allowing others around her to jump in and take responsibility.

It's important for this type to not minimize the need for prioritizing itself and not just use, "I'm fine" as a quick loophole to reject vulnerability. As this type starts to heal, the process can't be judged, compared or pressured to be further along than it is. Radical acceptance and awareness is key.

Lastly, we should avoid overcompensating in our pursuits of the opposite role. We need to name what role we currently play and be thankful for how it's served us up to this point in our life. Richard Rohr calls it "disarming the loyal soldier" which you can learn more about here. Then, we start to look to the counter-role as a challenging yet inviting example of how we may move beyond our current role. As we do, patiently and lovingly, it's important we don't leave behind the healthy parts of our current role. We are building on it, not breaking new ground. As we continue to integrate both roles into our lives, we must sense when enough is enough, to prevent overreacting. I did that and am currently trying to return to holding each role equally in tension. Like a two-plated weighted balance scale, we must carefully weigh how much is invested in each side, calculating each new experience with the goal of finding balance. Daily addressing what could be better but also living into who we are, as we are.

Further reflections on the film

The lost boys represent the societal conditioned bias and the modern “lostness” of those looking for belonging and guidance. Often finding models to emulate that take on more immature forms such as entertainers, social media personalities and pompous dictators.

Captain Hook represents loss, regret, vengeance and cynicism. Seemingly tough yet vulnerable to the chase of time through the croc. His hook represents the snares of evil. Facing the pains of life early, he becomes corrupt in his pirate-like pursuit of stealing, being sneaky and seeking un-altruistic aims.

The croc represents a threatened view of time after being traumatized. “I suppose it’s like the ticking crocodile, isn’t it? Time is chasing after all of us.” His eating Hook's hand represents the attack on the creative spirit. He jeopardizes Hook's ability to fully function and is a constant stressful reminder of being set back. He embodies the scarcity mindset.

Tinker Bell represents the guide that connects both of these roles within us and towards the role we are moving towards. “All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” While apprehensive to Wendy at first, she becomes a shared "other worldly" companion to both Wendy and Peter. She silently uses her magic to bring potential into the world through subtle awareness and opportunities.