why we need to be needed
I watched a movie last night called, A Man Called Otto, starring Tom Hanks. I’m not a big movie person and I am skeptical of Netflix-made movies (for no logical reason) but it really hit me emotionally. I cried several times during this movie and deeply resonated with some of the scenes and characters.
The movie is about a grumpy old man named Otto who lost his wife to cancer the year prior. Closed off, bitter, and unable to bear dealing with others, he makes several attempts to take his own life. Each time he does, a neighbor reaches out in need of something.
His trans neighbor gets kicked out of the house, his long time older neighbors need the radiator fixed, and a young Mexican family that just moved in, needs help parallel parking.
Each suicide attempt, Otto is taking back to memories with his wife. Almost like glimpses of heaven or a portal into the multiverse.
He finally reaches a breaking point in the film where he remembers his wife’s words, “We must keep living.”
He realizes that he’s let his un-grieved heart create distance, coldness and resentment towards those around him. He wakes up to his life and becomes in tune with his purpose.
He IS needed, he IS wanted and he has something to give. More over, he needs those around him and wants connection with those around him.
A few things struck me. First is that, if we do not grieve what we’ve lost, we will only get resentful and close off.
Not dealing with something is just dealing with it in a avoidant, suppressive way. As Richard Rohr says, “What we don’t transform we transmit.” As hard as it is to face the reality of death, loss and suffering, we must come to terms with life as it is. When we do, we learn that there’s no healthy way around it and we increase our tolerance and capacity to handle difficult situations.
The second is that, when we don’t have or realize our meaning in life, we will only live for ourselves and believe that the world is better off without us. Otto only saw his life in as much as his wife was living. The story arc in the movie shows us that we must include and transcend our experiences.
We know life is not the same without the people we love who aren’t here anymore but in some ways, it’s still a life we are living which requires active participation in it.
It’s not just that we find meaning, it’s that we find a meaning that allows us to be a generative life force in the world. It’s why people seek romantic partners, have kids (or dogs if you’re under the age of 35), participate in social justice causes.
We were made to give ourselves to something besides our selves in a way that doesn’t ignore who we are but actually fully values it.
The last part of the movie, Otto shifts into a more generative way of living. He gives his trans neighbor a car who was riding his bike to work, he watches his young family neighbor’s kids, and he teaches the young wife how to drive.
He finds that his experiences are both valuable and useful. That every day life requires us to be communal. No one can truly live alone or be 100% self-sustaining.
The movie ends with Otto dying of an enlarged heart. He wrote a final letter to his Mexican neighbors, leaving their family his home and newly purchased truck. He signs the letter “Abuelo Otto”, fully identifying with a new generational and caring role within his “family” of neighbors.
He goes on the full hero’s journey and finds integration and wholeness in his life, amidst experiencing isolation and death.
Next time you feel grumpy, like you don’t need anyone or that there’s no point to life, stop and look around you. I bet there’s someone to help, someone who’s taking interest in your life and people to support you when you need it.
The only wasted life is one that is not lived.
Questions
Who needs you right now?
How are you expressing being needed by others?
What purpose and meaning do you need to find right now?
Quote
“You think your life is so hard because everybody's an idiot and you have to do everything on your own. But guess what. You can't. No one can.” - Marisol (A Man Called Otto)