Why American Men Are Choosing Between Burnout and Basement Living (And the Third Option That Changes Everything)

I was in a group discussion a while back about finding joy in sorrow. Heavy topic for a Tuesday, right? Someone shared how most middle-class families she knows seem more genuinely content than the ultra-wealthy ones around them.

This got me thinking about how we're witnessing something unprecedented: American men have gone from one extreme to another in just fifty years.

In the 1970s, 80% of men participated in the labor force. By 2020, that number dropped to 69%. We've shifted from a generation of men who worked themselves to death to a generation that's increasingly opting out of work entirely. And the numbers continue to drop 5 years later with little indication of change.

Here's the paradox: both extremes represent the same internal crisis.

The New Male Divide

Today's men are splitting into two camps:

Camp 1: The Workaholics - Still chasing Jim Carrey's warning: "Everyone should get rich and famous and do everything they dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." These men sacrifice family dinners for client calls, miss their kids' games for meetings, and measure their masculinity by their bank statements and gym PRs. They can’t untangle their identity from what they do. They mainly see provision through their jobs. There is a true addictive nature that has created a codependency on needing to work too much. They’re so deep in this dynamic, there is little breathing room for self-awareness or change. Ambition has them by the throat and is slowly suffocating them. Whether it’s corporate America, entrepreneurship or having 5 “side hustles”, they just can’t stop.

Camp 2: The Opt-Outs - Nearly 20% of men aged 25-34 now live with their parents. Many have joined the "NEETs" (Not in Employment, Education, or Training) population. They've watched (mainly) their fathers work themselves into heart attacks and decided the game isn't worth playing. Instead of taking risks and making efforts, they slowly disintegrate into lifeless beings. Boring themselves to death with substance abuse, video games, porn and an overall lack of general effort. Whether it’s out of insecurity, complacency or abnormalcy, they try less and less, eventually just giving up all together. Responsibility and effort are seen as threats and the victim mindset has poisoned how they seek the world.

Both responses are understandable. Both are destructive. Both are extreme yet, scarily real realities. The wealthy workaholics develop "affluenza" - a psychological disconnection from reality that creates more suffering, not less. Meanwhile, the opt-outs struggle with purpose, mental health issues, and a crisis of identity tied to their inability to provide.

The Hidden Cost of Extremes

Research shows the ultra-wealthy report higher anxiety than middle-class earners. But data also reveals that men without steady employment face increased rates of depression, substance abuse, and social isolation.

We've created a false binary: destroy yourself working or give up entirely. It’s setting up men to fail by telling them the message that, no matter what option you chose, it will be wrong, you won’t be enough and there’s no support or hope in the process. As much as, we as a society claim to support men, the data and narratives we provide show otherwise.

Most men I know aren’t looking for excuses to not be held accountable or easy ways out of being mature. But what options do we have that feel helpful to getting out of this cycle of extremes?

There may be a third option.

The Radical Middle

The families and men that seem most content aren't the richest or the poorest. They're the ones who've figured out that responsibility gives meaning, work gives worth, gratitude gives peace, and money gives choices. Nothing more, nothing less. In essence, contentment not happiness, identity not outcome, stability not striving.

This isn't about settling for mediocrity. It's about rejecting the extremes that promise easy answers but deliver complex problems.

The real challenge isn't choosing between camp 1 or camp 2. It's building a life where you work with purpose but don't worship work. Where you provide for your family without sacrificing your presence. Where you pursue growth without losing your soul. A life that you feel dignified in living but humbled in expressing. Challenged by not overwhelmed. Living in a paradoxical tension that never settles for black and white answers but constantly lives on the fine line of ‘good enough’ and “could be better’.

We must expand our understanding of how we provide as men to certainly include but necessarily go beyond our jobs and careers.

So what does true “work” look like?

Finding Your Foundation

While over 40% of skilled trade workers are now over 45, young men are either avoiding blue-collar work entirely or burning out in corporate towers.

We've lost sight of the dignity in building things, fixing things, creating value with our hands. Screens have desentized us to cease literally getting in touch with the world around us.

Studies show that it’s vital for a man to have a father that shows healthy tactile play and for men to get physical both in exercise (pushing yourself in a way that makes you healthier) and emotional expression (think hit a punching bag when you’re mad).

Maybe the answer isn't in the boardroom or the basement. Maybe it's in the middle - doing meaningful work that serves others while still leaving time to actually live. To participate in things like lifting weights, going on walks, wrestling with your kids, giving and receiving hugs from those closest to us, and tinkering with a bike or car engine.

We were meant to do meaningful work in the world. Our socialized roles as providers are done through our jobs but also through our romantic relationships, parenting, friendship and body.

Stop believing the lie that you were made to solely work a job or to sit on your ass all day and have others do the work. Do the hard work of learning who you are and how you can contribute to the world. Contribute in a way that makes you and those around you better. Get in touch with the world. Get your hands dirty. Feel the realness of life.

Aim for something. Take risks, get messy and learn who you are and what you’re good at. Finding purpose and meaning in your work but see work as everything in life you contribute to. Take up the space only you can. You aren’t irreplaceable and people are counting on you. Own your life and give it all you got. Stop measuring your worth by your net worth or your lack thereof. Start measuring it by how much better the world is because you showed up today.

Questions

• Are you working to live or living to work?

• What would "enough" look like in your specific situation?

• How can you contribute meaningfully without sacrificing what matters most?

Quote

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena." — Theodore Roosevelt