The Initiation Crisis: Why Men Need to Become Men
I've been diving deep into male initiation lately—a topic that pulls at both my personal and professional core.
When my dad died when I was 11, he left behind more than grief. He left a void where my understanding of manhood should have formed. Without that compass, I searched everywhere for identity except within myself.
This journey wasn't just personal therapy; it's become central to my work. I want my therapy practice to create sacred space for male development and initiation.
The Misdiagnosed Problem
Our culture increasingly views masculinity through a critical, sometimes hostile lens. And while accountability matters—there's no denying the harm patriarchal systems have caused—I believe we're missing something fundamental.
The liberal critique of patriarchy tries to demonize an entire symbolic expression rather than redistribute power among many expressions. It's like trying to fix an ecosystem by eliminating one species rather than restoring balance.
Men have stopped functioning as men because they've lost their initiatory practices. Ancient cultures understood the necessity of ritual transition from boyhood to manhood—modern society has abandoned these. Without these transformative experiences, men remain perpetual adolescents, trapped in consumption, competition, and comparison.
The crisis deepens with each generation as uninitiated men cannot initiate others. Boys raised without fathers or strong male mentors have no model for healthy masculine expression. Their development becomes stunted by screens, pornography, and hyper-individualism—each promising false initiation while delivering only isolation.
We need maleness. But maleness isn't everything.
Men being authentically men aligns with the natural flow of life. When a bird stops functioning as a bird, the entire ecosystem suffers. Other creatures depend on each element playing its part.
Essential in Being, Non-Essential in Doing
Here's the paradox that's transformed my understanding: We are absolutely essential in being and non-essential in doing.
Our ability to play our part makes the collective story work, but the story continues regardless. This creates both profound meaning and profound humility.
A crucial aspect of male initiation is the dissolution of grandiosity—the realization that you are not special, not unique. This ego death terrifies the uninitiated man who bases his identity on achievement and comparison. Yet paradoxically, it's only through surrendering the need to be exceptional that men discover their authentic power and purpose.
True initiation teaches men they matter deeply yet the universe doesn't revolve around them. The initiated man understands his role in the larger story without needing to control that story.
When men function authentically, they transform themselves and society through three essential gifts: challenge, responsibility, and protection.
The initiated man provides challenge by holding himself and others to higher standards—not through shame but through belief in potential. He creates necessary friction that helps others grow beyond comfortable mediocrity. This challenge comes not from ego but from genuine care for excellence and integrity.
He embraces responsibility by moving beyond blame toward ownership. The initiated man understands that response-ability means the power to respond rather than react. He takes up appropriate burdens voluntarily, recognizing that meaning emerges from shouldering necessary weight. This responsibility extends beyond his immediate circle to his community and environment.
Finally, he offers protection not through domination but through presence. The initiated man creates safe harbors where vulnerability flourishes and growth becomes possible. His protection manifests as emotional steadiness during crisis, physical courage when necessary, and unwavering commitment to those in his care.
Crucially, these expressions of masculinity aren't about performing actions but embodying characteristics. Many men engage in challenge, responsibility, and protection mechanically—going through motions without understanding deeper meaning. True initiation teaches men to integrate these qualities into their being rather than simply doing them as external behaviors. The difference is profound: the uninitiated man protects through control; the initiated man protects through presence.
We have a responsibility to become our authentic selves while supporting others in becoming theirs. This isn't just philosophical—it's practical healing.
The Cost of Uninitiated Men
Women become initiated through biology (menstrual cycle and pregnancy) and men become initiated through culture ( practices, rituals, and societal expectations)
When men don't become men, they damage themselves and everything around them. Look at the statistics:
93% of prison inmates are male
70% of homeless adults are male
Men commit 85% of all homicides
Men perpetrate 78% of reported domestic violence
Men account for 80% of suicide deaths
These statistics reflect not inherent male villainy but profound male wounding. Neuroscience shows us that early trauma—particularly prevalent among boys without proper father figures—damages the prefrontal cortex, impairing impulse control, emotional regulation, and decision-making.
Men don't simply choose these destructive paths. Most are operating from damaged nervous systems, unhealed attachment wounds, and arrested development. Without initiation, they remain trapped in fight-or-flight responses, unable to access their full humanity.
The problem isn't that men control too much of society—it's that too many men haven't been properly initiated into themselves.
Questions
How do you understand masculinity and femininity?
What does it mean to "be a man"?
How does authentic manhood matter in our shared world?
Quote
"Many of the greatest, kindest and most effective men I have ever met were driven to their life's task by an aching father hunger that they often did not recognize themselves. It led them to be good students to mentors, help other boys, befriend other men, to nurture themselves because they had not been nurtured. But most especially they sometimes learn to seek, to desire and to trust that God is that loving and compassionate Daddy they always wanted." ― Richard Rohr, From Wild Man to Wise Man
Thank you for sharing this. I am sending it to my brother and husband 🙌🏻
Beautifully stated. Been waiting and watching for men's liberation. It's a rough ride and a vanishing horizon, learning to accept and be known in your essential Being, for every one of us. Collaborative processes like initiation help us dissolve ego focus in favor of shared enjoyment, creativity and fulfillment. Same with friendship, partnership, teamwork, alliance, and all kinds of belonging.