the exit row exercise

If you’ve ever been on an airplane, you know there’s the exit row. If you’ve ever been seated in that row or volunteer to sit there, the flight attendant will ask you two questions.

Are you willing and are you able to assist, in case of an emergency?

These questions, though standard and subtle, can be applied to human relationships. In my work as a therapist, I find people are often in difficult situations with other humans (surprise, surprise). It’s often not clear what to do in these situations. People are complex and we weren’t given a guide book on how to navigate these complexities.

Over the years of learning to be more self aware and trying to pay attention to how I best learn, I’ve found that conceptualizing simple frameworks are helpful. Simple frameworks for complex people. Great Wes, very enlightening.

While this seems basic, it’s important to realize the constraints and capacities we have to work with in any given situation. Our idealism tends to take over and shape our approach, keep us from seeing the heart of the matter and effectively addressing it.

Understandably, we expect the best and hope for it too when it comes to our relationships with others. Then, why do we stay so stuck if it seems this easy?

The exit row exercise, as I like to call it, helps us address this conundrum.

Willing but not able

This type of person has a desire to change. They wish they could offer more, be of more capacity and would do anything in their power to address the issue or topic at hand. But they’re not able. As much as they wish that their desires equaled resources, they don’t. You can’t wish your way into change. This can be painful because it means we must come to terms with the limits we live in as humans and properly place our desires within those limits.

With this person, it’s best to acknowledge their desire as valuable but kindly call out what’s just not possible. This often means shifting the conversation from what you want to what you need.

On a recent trip to Atlanta, we had our son with us. While I enjoy sitting in the exit row for more leg room, I was unable to do so with a newborn. I was willing but not able.

Able but not willing

This type of person is not open to change and is difficult to make progress with. They have the capacity and ability to address the issue or topic at hand but have no desire to do so. They are closed off. It’s tempting to try and convince or debate your way into change with them, but it’s not effective. This can be painful because it means we must come to terms with the fact that we can’t control others and that as much as we wish they’d see things like we do, we can only work with what they’re open to, regardless if it means sense.

With this person, it’s best to acknowledge their ability yet unwillingness, as a sign of respect in what they’re communicated they’re open to changing or working with. This often means shifting the conversation from what you need to what you want.

I’ve seen people who would rather sit at the back of plane near the bathroom than be responsible for responding to an emergency sitting in the exit row. They’re able but not willing to do so.

Though this framework is not a cure all, it’s a good place to start in each of the relationships that we have. It saves us confusion and letting our imaginations go wild with what could happen. It takes situations from the ‘what if’ stage to the ‘what is’ stage. We can properly place our emotions, thoughts, goals and perceptions by asking these two questions.

Questions

• What relationships do you most need to use this exercise in?

• Where in your own life are you willing but not able / able but not willing?

• How can you use this exercise this week in your different issues, conflicts or situations with others?

Quote

“Your willingness to jump will open doors for you. Every jump will increase your wisdom and broaden your vision.” - Steve Harvey