“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”- The Buddha
Resentment is a word we often reserve for more severe circumstances in which someone has done something obviously wrong and there is no resolution. We usually don’t question if resentment is justified and tend to support it, especially if it affirms our own un-confronted hurts.
Resentment is sneaky though. It often appears much more subtly and subconsciously than we realize. It feels like cynicism, seething anger, wrath, emotional violence and constant lifelessness, all draining your energy thought by thought.
In my work as a couples therapist, it’s often the case that either one or both of the persons holds resentment. It’s a bit surprising and awkward isn’t it? To seethe with vengeance against the person you love most.
We need to normalize this complex emotion in order to address it.
First, it’s completely subjective. People often use phrases like, “you should” or “they deserve” in feeling this feeling. We all know what is legally and ethically right and what is wrong. Resentment is the personalized interpretation of an event that uses a moral framework. In short, we make moral judgements as if they are absolute and unquestionable.
Second, a surefire way to know if you are resentful is to ask yourself if you are going out of your way to blame or judge someone in a way that feels vindictive but doesn’t quite make sense. Resentment is irrational. It seeks to punish someone indirectly in a passive aggressive manner and usually without them knowing.
One way to see it is the following:
you get hurt or negatively impacted by someone’s actions or words
you keep that hurt to yourself instead of sharing with or confronting that person
you internalize the hurt and create a vindictive-driven narrative about that person
you start to see that person solely as the narrative and treat them through that lens. This is the punishment stage
the cycle continues or you decide to address the hurt inwardly with yourself and outwardly with the person
Resentment are the unsaid and unmet expectations that are expressed through judgement instead of trust.
Maybe the person who hurt you did it on purpose. It could also be the case that, to your absolute dismay, they were unaware that they hurt you or hurt you to the degree that they did.
Either way, the hurt is yours to deal with. You can let it lead you to disconnection and isolation or towards connection and belonging. Though painful, the hurt allows you the opportunity to make things right and deepen your relationship with someone. The conflict is an invitation to intimacy. Stranger or lover, this applies.
Resentful holds you captive from this opportunity and only ruins you.
You may think you are bringing justice to the situation but you aren’t. It would be like going to trial for crime you didn’t commit, thinking the perpetrator will be prosecuted but when it comes time to administer the sentence, your name gets called.
It’s difficult to confront others. It can be awkward, embarrassing or just down right uncomfortable. As costly as it is to do this, it’s more costly to keep the hurt to yourself.
Be a free person. Don’t hold on to hurt, disappointment or feeling misunderstood. Address issues as they happen and make it a habit to always seek truth.
Questions
What are you resentful about?
How are you punishing the person you were hurt by?
What can you do to alleviate the hurt and move towards reconciliation?
Quote
Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” - Joan Lunden
Wes, this is all so true.
Wes, thanks for this. You've helped me straighten out some things I've not been able to articulate about what made the difference in my marriage when it looked like all was lost.