physical connection: an oven and a microwave

Disclaimer: this post is about sex and physical intimacy. Nothing explicit or weird, but still, fair warning. I hope we learn to normalize talking about this topic because it’s natural, essential and why we’re all here.

I talk to a lot of people about sex. Mostly couples who are navigating intimacy issues. There’s often a difference in how each person approaches it. I started realizing that so much of the act itself happening is dependent on what happens before.

My friend Noah and I were chatting at the gym one day and he told me, “women are like ovens. They need time to warm up” when it comes to physical intimacy.

It got me thinking…

Some people are like ovens and some people are like microwaves. I don’t want to over stereotype, but it is common that women are the ovens and men, the microwaves.

Ovens

• take a longer time to heat up

• cook higher quality foods

• raise to a higher temperature

• cannot be rushed

Microwaves

• don’t need to warm up

• heat up quick and easy foods

• operate at a lower temperature

• are used for short periods of time

We often assume that sex “just happens” and shouldn’t be planned or prepared for. While that’s understandable if it was just a physical act, it’s not. There are emotions, thoughts, narratives and complexities that go into it, mostly at a subconscious level.

So much happens throughout the day that can determine the moods we’re in, what we want and what we have the capacity for.

For example, I often talk to young mothers who are “touched out” by their kids. The last thing they want to do is be touched again, even by the person they love the most. Seems like a lose-lose right? It’s not so straightforward to know when you should push past limits and when you need to come to terms with the limits themselves.

If you’re an oven, the challenge and invitation for you is to reflect on how much time you need to prepare and “be ready” vs. what may feel rushed but is still reasonable.

If you’re a microwave, the challenge and invitation for you is to reflect on how to be patient, understanding and not demanding. To see the process as just as enjoyable as the climax of the experience.

Ways to approach physical intimacy with :

an oven

• give small “bids for connection” throughout the day. Send texts, point out random things you see, ask your partner how their day is going.

• give hugs, kisses, nudges and little physically intimate acts

• prepare by being hygienic and for the love of God, don’t rush it

a microwave

• control your impulses

• don’t put the responsibility on someone or something else

• if you want to connect bad enough, be patient and don’t make it about you

• communicate your desires

Have this conversation. Most people don’t talk about this to each other but end up complaining or worrying about it to others around them or online. Hell, Jerry Springer made a living off of issues like this. The main goal here isn’t to have the best physical connection possible.

While that’d be awesome and should still be a goal, focus on understanding each other. Each of you has a history. You grew up seeing this topic a certain way. You participated or didn’t participate in certain ways. You had some good experiences and so not so good ones.

Being able to know where your partner is coming from, what their desires and goals are and for them to know the same in you sets the stage for this healthy habit to be a lifelong way of connecting.

Questions

• Are you an oven or a microwave?

• What’s holding you back from fully engaging?

• What can you change and do differently that would make physical intimacy a consistent, connected habit?

Quote

“Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people; it is a way of being alive. At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to protect ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Intimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth at that moment.” — Geneen Roth