on expectations: the glass ceiling & the floor beneath
The more I deep dive into the main root causes of conflict and the feeling of negative emotions, the more I see the correlation with expectations.
We all expect situations to turn out a certain way or people to act a certain way. It’s a biological survival skill. Our brains are predicting machines.
The brain searches for what you’ve done in the past or how you’ve previously handled a situation, processes that and predicts that you will repeat that. If something new happens, the brain gets confused, in a sense, because it didn’t plan for the new thing to transpire so it can’t predict and therefore, doesn’t know what to do. So, it avoids being risky and creative and defaults to being safe and functional.
This is the classic “fight or flight” process. It feels threatened. This is often why when the unexpected happens, we go into the beginning stages of danger mode. While this is a good thing, we need to take control of our minds and tell ourselves, the majority of the time, we are not in danger. This takes practice and repetition to rewire neural pathways for our brains to recondition themselves to predict something different.
Expectations are necessary. As children, you should expect to be fed, loved and sheltered every day of your upbringing. As a married person, you expect your spouse to love you, forgive you and work with you as a helper in life. As an employee, you expect to be paid for the work that you do. As a friend, you expect for social bonding over shared interests to occur.
Trauma reverses expectations because by nature, trauma is the manipulated and skewed version of natural expectations. You’re expecting to get a hug and you get hit. Both physical contact but one is loving and one is harmful. It’s confusing.
We need baseline expectations that are non-negotiables or nice to haves. This category of expectations being fulfilled is crucial to human flourishing. If nothing else, make sure you are getting these before doing anything else or you seek anything else.
Assuming you have the foundational expectations met, now we move into the preferential stage. There are two types of expecters, the futurist and the carpe diemist.
futurists
People who has a strong, clear vision of the future have a harder time with being flexible and agreeable. They can see the value of what could be and don’t let barriers, setbacks or resistance keep them from living that reality. These people are true visionaries. They tend to have a clear sense of what they want and why.
They can idolize the ideal and see themselves or a situation as a failure if it doesn’t turn out as expected. They can feel threatened by reality because it means admitting they missed the mark, weren’t prepared or didn’t want this outcome. The ego hates these realities.
This type is gifted at inspiring, leading and getting things done. They don’t settle for things not working out and avoid a toxic victim mindset.
Their downside is that they’re a pain in the ass to do anything with. They tend to be more self-centered, stubborn and inconsiderate. They can grow in dismissing the famous quote “if you want to walk fast, walk alone.” Life is short and people in our lives give it meaning. Stopping to smell the roses, not have a preference and go with the flow can be healing and restorative to the soul, especially for a futurist.
Keep the vision for things that are more in your control. Think career, health, and habits. Let the vision go for things that are less in your control. Think social plans, relationships, leisure activities. Try to ask and consider what others would want in a situation and see that just as progressing as doing what you want.
Purposely be inconvenienced. Choose the unideal and see what comes up for you.
carpe diemist
People who have a strong, clear vision of the present have an easier time being flexible and agreeable. They can also (over)prioritize the present, having a lack of vision for what’s to come.
This type is gifted at being calm, flexible and easy to engage with. They realize life is more than getting things done and can see the beauty in the moment. They’re a breath of fresh air, relaxing and fun to be around.
Their downside is that they can avoid change and risk because, why not keep things as they are? why make a big deal out of things working out? They tend to be people pleasers. While people like this are more at peace with themselves and tie their value less to outcomes, procrastination, laziness and ignorance can creep in to create a disorganized life that lives in fear of the future.
Stay present in each moment. Take things step by step and don’t get anxious about the future. Show that it’s ok to take a break. Life is hard and some experiences are worth stopping and truly being in to process, understand and appreciate. Try to voice your opinion and preference more. Be more inflexible and set in your ways. It will feel uncomfortable but you will feel powerful and be respected.
how to be the best of both
We can be at our best when we aim for goals, set our sights on potentiality and work towards progress daily through this vision while also being radically accepting, open and flexible to pivot, adjust and change as necessary.
To use an analogy, your muscles need to be somewhat tight and loose to function. If you pull a muscle or tear a ligament, you can’t be fully functional. There’s not enough tension and the pains of overdoing it cause a retraction. At the same time, if you are so stiff that you walk like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, you need to warm up your muscles, stretch and make sure you are loose before exercising. There’s too much tension and the range of motion is limited.
Know you who are, who you want to become and what you want to do to get there. Be understanding, patient and trust that the most important thing you can ever do in any given moment is to be aware of it.
If you are in a relationship with the opposite type as you (parent, lover, friend), read through it above and think about how you can more truly express your type while also compassionately understanding the other type. Conflict often arises when each type tries to prove themselves or only be open to expressing “their way of doing things”. While it feels good to stand your ground, you won’t grow in that relationship and the issues remain.
Use this post as an invitation to conversation with those closest to you. It’s worth knowing yourself and others in a way that makes your interactions and relationships improve.
dealing with disappointment
The latin root for disappoint is "frustrari", which means "to deceive" or "disappoint" and is where the related term "frustration" originates from. When you think about how often being frustrated is associated with expectations not being met, this makes sense.
When foundational expectations don’t turn out as you hoped or expected, it’s natural to feel let down. The disappoint shows the validity about what you rightfully anticipated that should’ve come to fruition.
At the same time, the majority of our disappointments can stem from an unreasonable or unnecessary expectation. The word “should” shows up a lot in these scenarios.
“you should do what I want”
“I should’ve done that instead”
“We shouldn’t go to this restaurant”
We deceive ourselves into believing that our preferences and desires are essentials and needs. One way to see how realistically expectant someone is, is to notice how often they are thankful instead of cynical. Do they tend to be disappointed a lot and feel let down or are they more content and appreciative?
Our culture enables narcissistic behavior by over-validating feelings as moral justifications. The truth is, life is tough. It will bring you to your knees. No one is guaranteed anything besides the essentials to living. We should always acknowledge and validate our feelings of frustration and disappointment related to a situation not working out as expected, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t responsible for making the most of that and being grateful for it all.
Take time to understand why you are upset or let down, but asses your current options, find the truth of the matter and take action to best address what needs to be done in a situation.
"Expectation is the root of all heartache," often attributed to William Shakespeare, highlights how setting high expectations can lead to disappointment. The greater the build up, the further the fall. If you don’t expect anything to work out or none of your expectations are risky, then life is boring and sad. We can’t live in the extremes of expectations.
'Expect the unexpected' most closely means accept the fact that there will be surprises along the way and/or things that cannot be controlled. Essentially, don't be surprised by random and/or unusual events that may occur.
Life is unpredictable in nature. What we don’t know is infinitely more than what we could know. It’s important that we consistently reset our expectations to align with reality. Check in with yourself and make sure you are maintaining expectations in the essentials and adjusting your expectations in the preferential.
For better and for worse, what we expect becomes our reality. See yourself, others and life for what it is and for what it could be.
Questions
what are you expectations in each area of life?
where do those expectations come from?
how can you reset your expectations?
Quote
“The expectations of life depend upon diligence; the mechanic that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.” - Confucius