building with a blueprint
You’re one of two types of people. One that tries to build something out of intuition and exploration, disregarding the instruction manual and steps or you’re one that reads the directions before you start, meticulously looking at each step to understand what you’re building or putting together and why.
For me, I find myself in the middle though, I usually rush and try to get that dopamine hit of completion at the cost of missing a part and the final result looking not quite right.
For men, we love using our hands to do things. Being in touch with the physical world is an integral part of development. Driven by ambition and accomplishment, we default to “getting things done”.
Most self-improvement, health and positive psychology podcasts and books are dominated by a male audience. Bros quoting Huberman Labs and flexing on how to optimize their investments, trying to live to age 100.
With so much drive, why are males failing miserably at keeping jobs, being in relationships and making morally good decisions?
There seems to be a major disconnect in realizing what matters most and how to express that.
Imagine I’m a contractor and you hire me to build your house. In the first meeting, I start going off, telling you all about how the house is going to look and feel. I go on and on about incredible masterpiece that will be your home. You start to wonder, “hmm, all sounds good but how is this thing going to be built?”
We end the meeting and I tell you I’ll start building asap. Here you have spent all this time, money and investment and you have no clue what’s being built outside of my given imaginary excerise. I should be fired or at least show you some blueprint before we break ground.
Our life is the same. We go about living it with almost little direction, understanding or aim. We need a blue print. Something to show us all the moving parts of our lives, the boundaries and nature of them and how they all work together as one project.
Any decision you make without an understanding of why you’re making it, puts you at risk for wasting time, breaking trust and setting you back.
You need time to go to “architecture school” to learn the principles, values, modalities and structures that make up your life’s blue print. What are your values, goals, strengths and weaknesses that will inform what you build and how?
Stop trying to put up the house frame and pouring concrete to impress people and feel a false sense of security. Take time to understand yourself.
How to make a blue print
Take a personality test, note down every major event in your life and list out each role you play in your life. Ex: I’m an ENFJ who is high in openess and extraversion. I value my religion, marriage, tradition, exploration, open dialogue, discipline, suffering and health. My dad passing away, me living in a monastery, living alone during COVID and getting married are the major life events for me. I am a son, husband, father to be, friend, contemplative Christian, endurance athlete, writer, musician, therapist and spiritual director.
Write out the idealized version of each role you play. If you could be the truest, most optimal self in each role, what would that look like? Write down goals, descriptions, outcomes/consequences. Ex: to be the best husband I need to be selfless, considerate of my wife, use active listening, prioritize time together, over communicate and not let a day go by with unresolved issues.
For each role, write down a step by step process on what you need to do to become that ideal role. Use dates, times, actions, thresholds to create this. Ex: The way I am an optimal husband is to schedule date nights on Wednesdays, repeat back what I hear her say, think,”what can I do to help?” when I have down time, and be accountable to not running from conflict.
Review this with someone you trust and who wants the best for you. They will tell you what they think is true, needs to change or isn’t quite there yet. I review this role with my wife who tells me the truth and is always helpful with feedback (whether asked for or not ;) )
Keep this master blueprint somewhere you can often reference. Setting time each 6 months to review and revise, making adjustments and changes as necessary. Ex: I will review this every June and December
Trust the process and give it time. Getting started and formulating all of this is the hard part. Once you get past the foundational stage, it starts to take care of itself. Your job is to show up to every part and not give up.
You must have a blueprint to start building. If you don’t for a part of your “house that you’re building, tear it down and start over. It’s better to take your time and build a house that will last rather than rushing to put something up and having long term issues that create a negative experience. Both for you and the people who live with you.
Questions
What have I built that I need to tear down?
What parts of my blueprint need the most work?
What practices can I do to set aside time to make my blueprint?
Quote
“Every well built house started in the form of a definite purpose plus a definite plan in the nature of a set of blueprints.” - Napoleon Hill
I love that feedback is included in this blueprint of how to make a blueprint. It's one aspect that i realize is missing in new year resolutions/odyssey plans/life wheels.