adults throw tantrums too
I work with a lot of young adults who are confused.
They have parents who love them and raised them, but do things that show the opposite of that in their adult to adult relationship.
If it’s not their parents, it’s a boss, friend or anyone that you accidentally cut off in traffic.
We witness and process these experiences and expect these grown adults to act appropriately. That’s where the confusion comes in. The emotional expression doesn’t align with the age of the person.
Adults can throw tantrums too.
When it comes to interpreting the behaviors and words of adults, it's important to process them through the lens of their emotional age versus their biological age.
I often use the example of how a toddler will throw a tantrum or say something that is not fully factual but always emotional. We don't take their behaviors or words at face value but instead understand that their (im)maturity level drives this.
Imagine if tell a child that they can’t do this or say that and they scowl at you, and yell, “I hate you!” You wouldn’t scowl back and yell, “I hate you too!” then walk away. You’d calmly allow them to express this emotion without giving in to it, allow them time to properly regulate then return to a dialogue.
It's the same for adults. Immature adults will throw tantrums, communicate events through a idealized lens and present unrealistic demands as “normal” or “standard” to themselves. Basically, incessant selfish demands projected on to you to accept as gospel. Instead of interpreting all of this literally, think about them symbolically and relationally.
It doesn't mean we diminish the proven maturity or value that person has, but it does mean that we see them at the appropriate developmental stage they are at. It's a waste of attention, frustration, and confusion if we continue to try to expect something that's not realistic.
Tantrums are mis-expressed cries for attention and love. Don’t react to them by reciprocating them, respond to them by modeling a more mature, healthy way.
If someone is overreacting, hyper dramatizing or being irrational, try to see their inner child doing their best to communicate how they feel and what they care about.
See people for their level of maturity not their age. It’s a common notion in addiction that, whatever level of maturity they were at when the addiction began, is the same one they stay at until they become sober. Trauma is similar. We get fixated at the stage of development, frozen in time, in a sense, and act that person out present day, not realizing we are doing so.
So next time you’re in that conflict or argument with someone, use compassionate empathy to understand where they may be coming from in a way that may help inform how to best to respond to that.
It’s humbling and disheartening because it’s a felt sense of loss. Loss of control, desired outcome and connection that has to be grieved.
Grieving it allows you to come to terms with where that person is and how you can accept it. This doesn’t mean enable. You can’t meet rational with irrational. The behavior isn’t excusable but it’s understandable.
Once you can see someone for where they are, you can engage with them in an effective manner.
Get ready for pushback, though. Someone throwing a tantrum actually gets more out of you reacting than you not reacting. Setting a boundary makes the other person check themselves and not control the chaos that ensues when they throw the tantrum.
Stay grounded, stay strong, stay consistent. It will be painful doing this but it will be more painful being reactive and letting all hell break loose. Know your limits.
If you are not ready to do this, do what you can. You’re also where you are. There’s no shame in that. Find the threshold of challenging, yet approachable. Try setting the boundary and engaging with them differently. If you can handle it, keep going.
The goal is not to get the other person to calm down, be rational or understand you. All of those factors are outside of your control. All you can do is be accountable for yourself and how you respond.
What you’re doing is essentially re-modeling a healthy, appropriate way to both express your emotions and respond to someone else’s. Ideally, we all learn this as children from our parents but sadly, this is often not learned. Your job is not to re-parent their inner child but you can hold a space for them to be where they are in a way that doesn’t bring you down to that level. Your ability to allow them to act out yet, not enable it while maintaining the integrity of respect and trust is key.
How to respond to a tantrum
Maintain a calm, patient tone when speaking as well as in your overall presence. Don’t give in to the chaos and unhealthy emotions the other person is expressing NO MATTER WHAT.
Ex: deep breathes, maintain eye contact, stand firm with upright posture
Stay in dialogue until the tantrum begins. Don’t let judgements, fears or impatience rob you or cut off the initial connection that has potential. Go off evidence not assumption.
Set a boundary in response to the tantrum. This is the most complex part. It requires you to think through your goals, limits and desires before entering a conversation. This will inform when, how and how firmly you set the boundarie(s). Questions to ask: “at what point do I need to end the conversation? How do I let that person know this is too far/too much? What language, tone and emotion do I want to use?
If the person does not respect or recognize the boundary after multiple attempts, state that the conversation needs to end and can (hopefully) pick back up when you are both ready to dialogue in an appropriate and mature manner.
Ex:” You seem very upset or this (topic, issue, conversation) seems to mean a lot to you. I want to discuss this but it doesn’t seem like you’re in the place where this is possible. Let’s resume this whenever you feel you’re able to have this conversation without lashing out or over-reacting.”
Prepare for this to not go as expected or as well as you thought, most of the time for the foreseeable future. This is a new skill for many of us and the other person certainly isn’t used to being responded to in this manner. It’s going to take time for you and the other person to practice, adjust, acclimate to the new relational dynamic and rules of engagement. They may never respond appropriately or maturely and that’s ok. You can continue to work towards whatever progress looks like for you and make peace with that being enough.
It may seem strange or unnatural to prepare and practice entering into these types of conversations but, if the personal has any real value to us, it’s worth it.
Taking the time to understand yourself, the other person and set goals for what’s possible in connecting and understanding each other is how we define how effective a relationship is.
Lastly, let’s admit it. We’ve all thrown a tantrum ourselves even if we feel justified by it. Do self-reflection and see where you may be overreacting or hyper-dramatizing a situation or relationship.
Ask yourself the tough questions on when you’ve lost your cool recently and why. Practice regulating and articulating your own emotions with the goal of being honest, authentic and effective.
It’s too easy to write that person off as irrational and unchangeable. To not confront them or change the way you all communicate. But, that’s not fair. You don’t want others doing that to you in areas you struggle in. Also, it’s painful and scary to do this.
It means risking, being vulnerable and things turning out worse than they currently are. That’s why we ignore, avoid and concretize who that person is and how they are.
But use the death bed exercise I try and practice. Ask yourself, “When I look back on my life, will I regret not doing or saying something?” and “Do I really want to live the rest of our time together like this?”
Get real and honest. Doing something about it will always feel more scary in the moment and more dignified in the aftermath. Not doing something about it will always feel more secure in the moment and more unresolved or shameful in the aftermath or continual realities of avoiding it.
As much as we love our spouse, friends, parents and other people in our lives, just remember…
adults throw tantrums too.
Questions
Who in my life do I experience the most issues from?
How are tantrums expressed by those closest to me?
How do I currently respond to them and how could I improve?
Quote
“Wars and temper tantrums are the makeshifts of ignorance; regrets are illuminations come too late.”- Joseph Campbell
my tantrums are solo 🎨
This is super helpful. I wish I’d known about all this growing up with my dad. I’d have tried to have used these techniques with him. It’s hard when you’re not free to walk away from the tantrum thrower but share an entire house with them. My heart grieves for the prolonged pain my dad lived in. But it affected all of us for decades.