A man's guide to admitting and apologizing
"I'm sorry." Why are those two words so hard to say, especially as a man? I'd often rather fight to the death than to admit I am wrong.
Objectively and rationally, it doesn't make sense. When we admit we're wrong it means we accept a mistake we've made. The only way we won't repeat said mistake or be aware that it's wrong to begin with is by acknowledging it was a mistake to begin with.
This then allows us to own it, learn from it and hopefully do it less then eventually, not at all. Also, it's just plain facts.
Either the person calling you out is wrong and disillusioned and you admitting your wrong would be giving into that or they are right because it's the truth and we need to accept it. There's no opinion or abstract way to look at this.
I find it fascinating that most men pride themselves in handling hard situations and facing challenges, but when it comes to admission, they're brought to their knees in weakness, both emotionally and mentally.
So let's breakdown why it's so hard for men to apologize and what we can do about it.
#1. Cultural pressures shape our beliefs
While it's ultimately the individual's responsibility, men often come into moments of conflict with skewed perceptions they've been given since a young age.
1. Societal expectations around masculinity- when every other guy you know, seen on tv or heard about doesn't apologize, why would you? It's expected for men to be stubborn and be in denial.
2. Traditional gender roles discouraging emotional expression- Men are taught to be tough and not let their guard down. They're "rational" and
"compartmentalize" things.
3. Peer pressure to maintain a tough image. The looming question is, "if I'm not the protector and hero, what am I or what value do I have?"
4. Cultural narratives valuing stoicism over vulnerability. Most of the world still holds traditional views which include in-expression and following marching orders over being sensitive and expressing emotions.
5. Familial teachings that shape perceptions of strength and apology. Most men never saw their father apologize. They hear about how stubborn he was or how he "prioritized work" and just "dealt with anger". These models shape our view and we re-enact them in our own relationships.
#2. Our emotions put up walls
When we are in moments of conflict, especially with our spouse/ partner, our emotions are subconsciously in the driver's seat. Here's what's often going on beneath the surface.
1. Fear of vulnerability- "How can I trust that I won't be hurt, rejected or abandoned?" is the question we're always asking.
2. Concern over losing authority- We hate feeling less than or not being able to change and control a situation.
3. Anxiety about relationship consequences- "What does this say about me?" and "what does that mean for us?" are questions we ask in what happens after the dust settles.
4. Difficulty in expressing remorse- Tapping into the conviction of being wrong is painful. If we're not used to it, we will have trouble finding the words or capacity to do so.
#3. We internalize the process
With all of the above happening, we summarize the experience in the following ways.
Perceived loss of authority or dominance- If we admit we are wrong, we lose our status, control and ability to be above critique.
Fear of admitting fault or weakness- We tell ourselves that, by denying we have a problem, we don't have to face the problem and therefore deal with the consequences of what happens after we do.
Desire to maintain self-image or pride- We all have a certain way we see ourselves and when that gets challenged or compromised, we feel threatened on an identity level, which scares us and destabilizes us.
We have to start with an understanding of why it's hard for us to apologize, but this is just where we start. We have to set ourselves up for success but preparing internal and external spaces.
Here's what we need to have the best chance at apologizing.
Open dialogue and safe space- No one is vulnerable without feeling safe. In fact, most of our traumas happen because we were forced to be vulnerable when we didn't feel safe. This along with an open dialogue that's meant to understand and love us is key.
Misinterpretation of the intent- We perceive the person challenging us or calling us out as a threat when in fact, they're on our side. Not just that but they want what's best for us and we need to see and trust that. If we can see the opportunity to admit that we're wrong as a gift and way to deepen our freedom, we may approach it differently.
Patience to stay in the confrontation- We often immediately put our walls up, deny, blame the other person or storm out of the room. Our ability to breathe deeply, be patient and stay in the discomfort allows us to move through the initial resistance and enter into connection and deeper awareness of ourselves and the situation.
How to apologize
This may seem elementary but many of us simply don't know how to properly apologize.
First, we must truly hear what the other person is saying. Looking them in the eye, paying attention to their non-verbal cues and being open to deep, active listening.
Second, we must take time to take it in before we respond. We need to interpret it through our thoughts and emotions and give ourselves time for it to all sink in.
Then, once we have resonated with what was shared as true, we must tap into the conviction that mirrors that resonance with an acknowledgement of where and how we went wrong. In this step, we often need to take a deep breathe and remind ourselves that we are safe, loved and not judged in this moment. That though it feels wrong, it's right to admit when you're wrong (was that clear enough?).
Finally, we apologize and admit in a way that feels true to us but accurate in response to what was shared or called out. From there, we can leave it at that and move on or if it's a more serious topic or conflict, talk through ways to move forward.
Closing statements
When we learn to make it a habit of admitting and apologizing, we become more humble, wise and loving people. We get in less arguments, we experience negative emotions for less time and we feel more free and secure as individuals. This foundational skill can be applied in our relationships, in our work, or any situation in which another person is involved. We end up living in the truth sooner and more often, we deepen our connections and live in greater awareness of ourselves and how we live in the world.
This may be the most undervalued habit one can have both as a man and a person in general. Learn and practice admitting and apologizing.
It's the only time you won't be sorry.