a life vest or an anchor

I was with a client the other day who was contemplating if he’s ready to propose and move forward with marriage. Big step and no small decision. As we were talking it out, he was processing the ways his partner supports him and ways she brings him down.

I had this image immediately pop into my head of a life vest or an anchor. The way I initially used it was analogous to his process. Pretty simple right? Either some one keeps you afloat or they keep you stuck to where you are, eventually drowning. As humans, we inevitably do both in each kind of relationship we are in, no matter what. It’s simply human nature. The important thing to consider though is if you’re being kept afloat more than you are being anchored down.

When we go about choosing the important relationship in life, which tends to be a partner or spouse, we focus on chemistry. How well we get along, if we share the same values and goals. We think through how attracted we are to someone and how well we get along. Fair enough.

While those are important, we often overlook how ready someone is (or more importantly how ready we are) to enter into a relationship. There’s the classic “I need time to myself” or “I’m focusing on me” which, in situations do work out but are often time not used to properly self-asses or reflect and are more to avoid and escape.

The reality is though, we often learn more being in relationships not taking a break from relationships. This makes it hard to decide how ready we are and feels like we’re laying down asphalt as the car is driving down the newly paved road.

While there are many factors that come into this process, like family history (how you grew up), relationship history (how you learned intimacy) and lifestyles (values, environments, identities), these all boil down to one threshold.

Are you a healthy enough person to need some help staying afloat but not to the point where an anchor will drag you down and drown you? In other words, do you have the capacity within yourself to continue to grow into who you are in a way that supports the other person and is burdensome within reason?

We all have our limits and will cause pain to the people we love the most. The question is, can we do it in such a way that’s not detrimental to them and creates an opportunity and invitation for growth for both people?

As I finished my session discussing this, my client was able to stop over analyzing, trust the hard work he’s been doing and make peace with the safe and loving relationship that he’s in. Like him, we are all learning to anchor less and float more.

You may be in a relationship where one or both of you isn’t ready. It’s decision time. You either painfully and slowly work it out together without resentment or retaliation or you accept the necessary separation needed for growth and be thankful for what that relationship was but realize what it can’t be.

You may be single and really wanting to be in a relationship. Consider the above and know that every day to yourself is an opportunity to lighten the weight of your anchor by doing the hard healing work that you can prevent having to do more fully in a relationship, where it affects someone else.

You may be somewhere in between these, wondering what it means to be a “good partner”, that’s prepared and ready for a relationship. “Live the questions” as the poet Ranier Rilke said.

As the oceans of life’s tensions and complexities toss us into instability, we can stay grounded in the relationships that keep our heads above water. This is where we learn to feel the flow of life and bop back and forth.

Even if you’re being dragged down, it worth the fight to try and stay afloat. Somewhere out there, there’s a life vest waiting for you.

Questions

• How are you/ your partner a life vest to each other?

• How are you/your partner an anchor?

• What factors are keeping you from being ready or are affirming that you are ready to be in a relationship?